I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
