god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
