I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
