i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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