cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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