i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize