...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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