Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
