we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
