i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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