i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Couch. On fire.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
