first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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