How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
