Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize