I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
