Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
