I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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