I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
