He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize