Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
