Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
My vagina just clenched in fear
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
