I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
