you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
