Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
