It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
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