I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
