I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Randomize
