Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
