shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
