Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Never joke about your clitoris.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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