your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
