Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
