Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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