i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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