If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
