I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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