Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
