I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Randomize
