He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
