sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Randomize
