I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize