Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
It's just like the Real World with babies
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize