Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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