she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
