Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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