Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
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