My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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