I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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