no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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