you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
