He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
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