so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
