I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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