And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
Randomize
