About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
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