when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
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