If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I have tasted many bathrooms
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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