it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Randomize
