I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
My pussy is not your playground.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
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